EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT:
RINGMASTER FARCETTI AND THE CITY CIRCUS 15 LITTLE CLOWNS HAVE SOLVED THE GREATEST PROBLEMS OF LOS ANGELES WITH 1 BLOW ! IN A BRILLIANT MOVE, THEY HAVE TAKEN 60,000 HOMELESS OFF THE STREETS AND BEACH AND FOUND FURNISHED HOUSING FOR THEM ALL! BEST OF ALL – AT NO COST TO THE CITY !
WE HAVE CLOWN BONIN AND HIS NEW BONINOMICS TO THANK. HE SHOWED THE WAY BY SOLVING THE HORRIBLE PROBLEM OF VENICE BEACH.
YOU SEE, YEAR AFTER YEAR, POOR VENICE BEACH SUFFERED FROM BEING THE TOUCH-DOWN SPOT FOR A LOCUST HORDE OF SOME 13,000,000 TOURISTS AND ANGELENOS SEEKING R & R. THESE TOURISTS DEVOURED EVERYTHING – THERE WAS NOT A SOUVENIR, A SLICE OF PIZZA, A HOTEL BED, A RENTAL BIKE OR SURFBOARD, etc. LEFT AFTER THESE RAPACIOUS TOURISTS GOT DONE PLAYING ON THE BEACH.
BONINOMICS SOLVED AND ELIMINATED THIS PROBLEM BY HIS BEACH RECLAMATION PROJECT: THE CREATION OF A HOMELESS GARBAGE GARDEN AND TENT CITY.
AND LO AND BEHOLD, THE TOURIST LOCUST PROBLEM – AND ALL THE FILTHY LUCRE THEY USED TO LEAVE BEHIND BY THEIR SPENDING –, IS NOW GONE. GOOD RIDDANCE.
SO, NOW YOU’RE CHAMPING AT THE BIT – HOW DID OUR CITY CLOWNS AND RINGMASTER SOLVE THE HOMELESS PROBLEM? RED-TAGGING !!
YUP, WHEREVER THE HOMELESS LEFT THEIR NIGHT SOIL, SHOT UP, TENTED, PILED GARBAGE, etc. THE CITY SENT OUT ITS OWN HORDE OF INSPECTORS RED-TAGGING ALL THE BUILDINGS THAT FRONTED AND ADJOINED THE HOMELESS ACTIVITY.
THE CITY THEN ORDERED ALL THOSE BUILDINGS BE VACATED AS A HEALTH HAZARD AND ALL OCCUPANTS ORDERED OUT OF THE BUILDINGS.
THE CITY THEN CITED ALL THE BUILDINGS FOR VIOLATIONS OF HANDICAP LAW FOR ALLOWING CITY SIDEWALKS AND THE PUBLIC WAY TO BE BLOCKED.
THE CITY THEN CITED ALL THE BUILDINGS AS A FIRE HAZARD, BECAUSE THEY WERE THEN VACANT.
THE CITY THEN CONDEMNED ALL THAT PROPERTY.
ALL THE TENANTS WERE FORCED TO MOVE OUT. ALL THE OWNERS WERE BANKRUPTED. ALL THE PROPERTY BECAME PROPERTY OF THE CITY.
THE HOMELESS ENCAMPMENTS WERE CLEANED UP. THERE NO LONGER WAS A HEALTH HAZARD.
THE CITY THEN CANCELLED THE HEALTH DEPT. VACATE ORDER. THE CITY THEN MOVED ALL THE HOMELESS INTO THE BUILDINGS.
THE HOMELESS CLEAN-UP ALSO HAD THE SALUTORY BENEFIT OF REMOVING THE FIRE HAZARD FROM OPEN FIRES. AND THE BUILDINGS WERE ONCE AGAIN OCCUPIED BY THE HOMELESS SO THEY WERE NO LONGER A FIRE HAZARD.
THE TENANTS EVICTED AND HOMEOWNERS WHO LOST THEIR BUILDINGS ALL CONFESSED THEIR SINS OF NORMAL AND ORDINARY LIVING AND WORKING IN ORDER TO RECLAIM WHAT THEY HAD LOST. BUT THE CITY SAID THERE WAS NO COMING BACK FROM SUCH BEHAVIOUR. AND SO THE EXODUS. ALL WERE SHOWN TO THE CITY BORDER AND MOVED OUT OF THE CITY.
AND THEN THE BENEFITS REALLY STARTED TO ROLL IN. THE TENANTS AND HOMEOWNERS ALL HAD MULTIPLE CARS. SEVERAL HUNDRED THOUSAND CARS WERE REMOVED FROM L.A. TRAFFIC. THE AIR CLEARED UP. THE TRAVEL TIME SPEEDED UP.
THE HOMELESS HAD NO CARS. SO THE CITY THEN FIXED THE POTHOLES WHERE FORMER TENANTS AND HOMEOWNERS HAD LIVED, BECAUSE IT KNEW THERE WOULD BE LITTLE USE OF THOSE STREETS AND SO COULD BOAST AT HOW WELL THEY WERE MAINTAINING THE CITY STREETS.
SO, THE RINGMASTER FARCETTI WAS HAPPY WITH HIS FARCE. THE 15 LITTLE CLOWNS WERE HAPPY, BECAUSE THEY NO LONGER HAD THOSE PESKY CONSTITUENTS BADGERING THEM WITH DEMANDS FOR HELP WITH THE HOMELESS. AND THEY KNEW THAT WITH THOSE TROUBLESOME FOLK GONE THEY HAD A CLEAR PATH TO RE-ELECTION. ALL WERE HAPPY BECAUSE BONINOMICS WORKED WONDERFULLY.
THE RINGMASTER FARCETTI AND THE 15 LITTLE CLOWNS, NOW EXPERTS IN BONINOMICS, OFFERED THEIR SERVICES TO ANAHEIM PROMISING TO SAVE THEM FROM THE LOCUST HORDE OF TOURISTS THAT DESCENDS ON THEIR MAGIC KINGDOM.
THEY WERE AWARDED UNIVERSITY AFTER UNIVERSITY AWARDS FOR URBAN RENEWAL AND HONORARY DOCTORATES IN URBAN PLANNING AND ECONOMICS
AND, OF COURSE, THE HOMELESS LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN THEIR NEW – FREE – FURNISHED HOMES.
AND SINCE ALL HAVE FREE PHONE AND INTERNET, THEY BROADCAST THEIR GOOD LUCK FAR AND WIDE. AND NOW, OF COURSE, THE CITY IS BLESSED WITH ITS OWN SUCCESS. NEW HOMELESS ARE ARRIVING BY THE THOUSANDS. FARCETTI & CLOWNS AREN’T WORRIED – THERE’S PLENTY MORE BUILDINGS IN L.A. TO CONDEMN AND PESKY CONSTITUENTS TO ENCOURAGE TO LEAVE. AFTER ALL, TOMORROW’S ANOTHER DAY !
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