The White House
Office of the Press Secretary, Jonathan Swift.
For Immediate Release
July 4, 2014
EXECUTIVE ORDERS by the President of the United States on Border Security and Immigration Reform:
(1) U.S. IS RETURNING CALIFORNIA, TEXAS, AND ARIZONA
(2) NATURAL U.S. CITIZENS OF CALIFORNIA, TEXAS, AND ARIZONA:
YOUR CITIZENSHIP IS HEREBY ABROGATED,
UNLESS YOU RETURN TO THE U.S.;
YOU ARE RECOGNIZED TO BE CITIZENS OF MEXICO !!
High Noon EDT
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon, everybody. I have wonderful news for a Real American Independence Day – a new Declaration of Independence.
“I take executive action only when we have a serious problem and an unpatriotic Republican Congress chooses to do nothing. The millions of foreign nationals who have crossed into the U.S. MUST BE PROTECTED – MUST HAVE A CLEAR PATH TO CITIZENSHIP. The irresponsible failure of House Republicans to pass a darn bill to give them what they deserve and want is bad for our security, it’s bad for our economy, and it’s bad for our future.”
“I and America cannot wait forever for them bad Republican apples and their henchmen running amok in the land to act. And that’s why, today, I’m fixing the immigration system on my own, without Congress – and in accordance with the Putin Doctrine “of returning majority–speaking states to their Land of Origin, and have applied our great Wilsonian Principle of Self-Determination to ourselves!
“I ORDER a refocus of efforts to make sure we do what it takes to keep our border secure and protect public safety – by de-naturalizing and deporting dangerous Americans who disagree with me. Since, a Republican Congress will not do that job for America, I will.
“And that’s why on this July 4, by EXECUTIVE ORDER: pursuant to the inherent power of self-righteousness, I hereby issue:
EXECUTIVE ORDER #1:
“All conquered Mexican territory should be freed and CALIFORNIA and TEXAS, wrongly invaded by us RESTORED TO MEXICO, and the wrong done to Mexico by the U.S. in the matter of California and Texas, which has unsettled the peace of the world for nearly one hundred fifty years, should be righted, in order that peace may once more be made secure in the interest of all.”
EXECUTIVE ORDER #2:
All the millions of Mexican citizens who have exercised their RIGHT TO SELF-DETERMINATION and returned to reclaim CALIFORNIA, TEXAS and ARIZONA shall be granted their wish and Mexico shall henceforth determine Citizenship of all persons continuing to reside in California, Texas and Arizona and the U.S. will do all in its power to assist Mexico in granting a CLEAR PATH TO MEXICAN CITIZENSHIP to any and all AMERICANS residing in the new states of Mexico, including abrogating U.S. citizenship of any American who continues to reside in California, Texas and Arizona.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #3:
(A) The U.S. will set up a High Commission to implement the return of California, Texas and Arizona to Mexico.
(B) To insure speedy and proper implementation, I have requested that the return be guaranteed by leaders with experience in such matters. The GUARANTORS shall be PRESIDENT PUTIN (First Citizen of the Protectorate of Crimea & Eastern Ukraine) and PRESIDENT XI JINPING (Lord High Protector of the Protectorates of Tibet and North Korea).
“ This Independence day we’re going to de-naturalize all them darn English-speaking Americans who snuck into California and Arizona and Texas in a ceremony right here at the White House. This Independence Day will be their last day as American citizens and first day as Mexican citizens – unless they sneak back over the new border to the U.S.
“We together wrested these states’ freedom from Mexico. We then built this country together on the exploited backs of all these millions of foreign nationals who rightfully snuck back in to take their land back. It makes us Americans – bad. I, Barack Obama, the President of these United States (not in Congress) know what’s right.
“Now, that’s worth celebrating”